On Killing Wooly Mamoths

If I had a nickel for every time I have been talking to some guy or girl about their new romantic interest or their new little electronic toy, I would be, well, rich. When confronted by these mind-numbing situations, I, probably like most people, rarely care

But here we find ourselves, drawling on and on about some bit of mindless minutiae we would never say into a mirror. Don’t get me wrong, I will be the first to admit that I do this all of the time. My point is not that we should refrain from discussing Gary’s enlarged testicle, or Stacie’s fashionable snow booties; my point is that we have an outrageous and exceptional ability to talk about nothing.

Why would this be? One would think that our ancestors would have killed each other off, for the sake of sanity if nothing else. Indeed, how have we survived long enough to build even more little pieces of bling to show off? Is it to entice the other sex (I always did find talking about those booties somewhat sexy), or perhaps is it to explain away an uncomfortable and iniquitous testicle? “Nothing,” if it is that at all, takes up the majority of our conversation.

Some have postulated that we do this because our ancestors were actively engaged in building close-knit communities. This makes sense to me (I do not know about you, but I too would like to have a wingman on that whole wooly mammoth problem). Our ancestral contemporaries, those somewhat brusque and furry-bowed gentlemen and ladies, were mostly keep-to-themselves types. We probably won out mostly because we came up with cool little bits of technology. Or perhaps we were more competitive, not because each individual came up with cool shit, but because we could talk about our cool shit (even when it is not so cool). Imagine, Grandpa Erg probably discussed what kind of bone needle Ug used on his fur-lined mammoth-skin snow booties…and was bored out of his mind.

But this process has evolved; we are ever more able to convey ideas to one another. We have moved on to more complex matters. As we have become increasingly social, we have become increasingly interested in how we fit in with the ‘guys and gals.’ Conversation serves a new use; it can be a barometer for what other people think of you. Often when people are showing off their new car, they are not just reveling in their new status symbol; they are looking for approval from the group. They are making sure you will still come along on the mammoth hunt, or even whether the car will help out with getting your booties off after a mammoth-steak dinner. Think of that next time you feel compelled to tell me about how many inches you lifted your jeep.

Another goal of seemingly useless drivel is our search for empathy. Words have still not caught up to the complexity of the emotions we all feel. Pain, love, hate, and envy are all boiling within every individual, and most people cannot always put words to the whirlwind. But, as we can see from the fact that we depend on the approval others, it is a good thing to understand where big-bad Ug is coming from when he breaks down in tears. An existential crisis makes for awful spear throwing.

This is still a work in process. Most people are not great at expressing emotion, and probably, neither were our ancestors. This might have been the reason cave painting was all the rage for a while. Aside from showing off your adept hand at a charcoal wildebeest, it was a way to express what you thought about that day. If you felt proud in your exploits making a new kind of knife, you could express it to others, and hopefully cave-painting critics would affirm your work. Many people today feel the urge to write poetry or paint a masterpiece as a way to express what cannot always be put into everyday language. Children are genetically predisposed to express their genius in Spaghetti-Os. Our ability to build communities through communication is stronger than ever.

A few philosophers and their nerdy friends have been discussing this concept for a while, namely, the way that we look at the world through language. Wittgenstein and Chomsky (who would probably prefer to be called a linguist…which is why he is a nerd) have talked a great deal about the importance of language and communication. Some argue that people are born with inherent tendency towards language; that we are evolutionarily patterned into thinking of the world in terms of words. Wittgenstein pointed out that we describe events and thoughts in words even to ourselves, and that language is an intractable part of the fabric of life. While these individuals would probably frown upon my cavalier use of their ideas, this could mean that talking to one another, even about nothing, has been selected for by evolution. That inane babble you cannot stand is a normal human trait, we were born to talk.

Music is another example. Advertisers are all too happy to painfully lodge their little jingle in your brain at every turn. My Chemical Romance lyrics may plague you for the rest of your life. One of the reasons we cannot forget these catchy little rhymes is probably that our ancestors used music and rhyme to remember important things, and pass them on to Ug junior. How many of us remember the quadratic formula from that stupid song Mrs. Finckle drilled into your skull during High School? (Not that I do, but I hear some people paid attention). While we may not use the medium in the same way (car salesmen are a somewhat new addition) we retain the abilities that our antecessors evolved to build communities.

One could say that this article is completely inapplicable to the real world, which I admit, is probably true. I doubt I will care next time that a really annoying freckle on the back of Gary’s arm comes up in conversation. In the very least however, we should be aware of the motivations we have; and perhaps you may even have more sympathy for those regaling you with their latest news. In reality, they are just keeping alive a long and boring tradition.